Tag Archives: death

On The Importance of What Drives Us

A friend texted me one of those inspirational quotes that seem to appear with vapid proliferation on Facebook, Imgur and elsewhere – and I almost dismissed me. But then I paused to reread it and found it struck a cord. It goes like this:

“Today, I interviewed a person who is terminally ill.

“So,” I tried to delicately ask, “What is it like to wake up every morning and know that you are dying?”

“Well,” she responded, “What is it like to wake up every morning and pretend you are not?” “

Terminus (TWD, S4)

Terminus (TWD, S4)

Well, sparky, that’s a darn good point. Let me see if I can cover this without a lapse. I’ve said, to those closest to me – and now to the wider system of tubes – that I’m driven by that which I fear the most, that old jackdaw, Terminus. It’s a reason for my impatience at times, especially with politics and politicking. It’s a reason I’m fine dealing with competent jerks. It’s a reason I’m a team dad. Granted the last is more of a subconscious drive to try and be randomly kind. While I won’t deny the challenge that comes up from this double-edged sword, ranging from the temptation to despondency to random black dogs.

But it is, undeniably, a core central driver. There will never be enough time even should I be Methuselah. There’s always more questions than there is time. And one answer has always lead me to a few more questions.

What I have been able to do is – to some extent – become Master & Commander of my own ship.

Master & Commander

Master & Commander

I’ve recognized the issue,dealt with it – albeit with an adhoc plan – and continue to deal with it.  I work hard to transform the power it would have over me to the power to change and be more meaningful. Sure, there are causalities along the way – that’s a by-effect of change. But the transformation is remarkable as I look back on recent years.

Jedi-like, I’ve taken the power of depression and used it to be a happier person working a towards more meaningful existence. And just like the Jedi, I have to constantly be on ward against it. It’s hard, hard work, but one I’m winning in a measure of inches.

If there’s hope for me, folks, there’s hope for you..

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INTERMEZZO: Graceful Exits

I have a rather severe case of thanatophobia. I can slip into it fairly easily and self-induce a rather severe if extremely short (seconds) panic attack. It typically happens every time my idle thoughts turn to The Big Why. Why are we here? How did it all Start? How does it all End? But above all – why?

So far it hasn’t encroached into my everyday life nor given rise to other phobias. I’m not a shut-in, but you won’t find me jumping from perfectly good planes or visiting the Nopelia (Australia) Outback – where everything was evolved by nature to kill non-Aboriginals within sixty seconds – anytime soon. I prefer the calculated risk. The measured approach to adventure. Hike the Rockies? Absolutely. Base jump from a bridge? Hell no. But thanks, go right ahead.

I’ve been trying, over the last decade, to focus more on experience and a life well-lived – by my definition, not what Pop Culture or Madison Avenue wants you to believe it is. On connecting with others and shared experiences over being a lone wolf. In part that’s what’s driven my more recent extroversion. It’s safe to say my introversion is in remission but must be kept in check.

Now if only I could avoid the Big Why, I think I could go a while without a freak-out fit.

If you’ll excuse me, there’s a girly scream and flailing hands with my name on it.


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